Jeannie H.

As I put in words my thoughts about being a 'believer', I am aware that my spiritual journey, pursuit of truth, and perception of events in my life change in color and timbre over time. What I feel personally at this point has changed from how I felt a few years ago and no doubt will change again over time. I am fine with that. In fact, it pleases me to know that I continue to evolve and re-evaluate my thinking. If there is something I do know for sure it is that I don't know nearly as much as I'd like to. Or perhaps, I know exactly what I should at this point in time. I'm grateful for the truths that I have been given thus far and excited for those which will someday reveal themselves to me in all their rich texture and color.

Over the course of my life, I have experienced doubt in various shapes and sizes. It has been good for me. Frankly, it is healthy for everyone to wonder about all things from time to time. Searching and wondering has helped me to grow. As I am in the midst of raising teenagers, I often try to put myself in their shoes and wonder if they feel like all the adults, involved in spiritual pursuits, have everything figured out. As an adult in the fray, it is clear that I do not and I am always wary of people who say they do. I think it is important to reveal that up front. Normally, it would seem as important to reveal all the things we don't know along with all the things we do. However, the list of things I don't know is long. The things I do believe to be true are fairly concise and I will express them here.

I have a firm testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored by the prophet Joseph Smith. I was born and raised in the Mormon church by a faithful, pioneer-descending mother and a Portuguese non-member father. By the time I was 7, my father was a devout member of the faith. I am the only one of his offspring that was baptized by him and I feel it a great privilege.

My first feelings about the Savior came when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I remember listening to a moving talk on Easter Sunday about the Savior's atonement and, for some reason, it had so profound an effect upon me that I needed to excuse myself from Sunday School and went into the bathroom to weep privately. It was powerful for a little kid. I hear many folks who say they find 'God' in nature, the mountains, etc. I have always found Him in the midst of a loving congregation of gathered saints. I never doubted the Savior's reality after that and it has been confirmed through many experiences since then...usually in the company of saints and many times involving music.

I have also had profound experiences throughout my life where I have experienced great despair. In those instances, I have no doubt that I was being cared for and profoundly comforted by the divine. In a world where we are constantly battling our worst fears, I have come to know that for the most part, we really have nothing to fear...not even death. Such experiences have taught me much about a loving God who understands and wants to simply calm and comfort at every turn.

My feelings about Joseph Smith came to me solely on my rational study as a teenager of his life and testimony. In middle school, I reasoned that if I was going to be committed to Mormonism throughout my life, I would need to understand Joseph Smith's life in detail. I saw Fawn Brodie's book 'No Man Knows My History' (not knowing what I was in for) in my school library, checked it out, and began to read. I wanted to know everything about the prophet of the Restoration....warts and all. I often wonder what my mother thought as she obviously saw this book on my bedroom dresser at some point. She said nothing as she was always one to encourage us in our search for truth. I read in depth an obviously biased account of Joseph's activities during his youth and young adult years along with other literature about his life. With all my reading, I couldn't help but think that at any time in Joseph's life, during his obvious trials and challenges with unbelievers, certainly if what he said he had witnessed in the sacred grove was not true, he could have and would have denied it when things got ugly. If it had been me, I certainly would have done it Liberty Jail (Joseph's 'Gethsemane'), unless I felt I indeed had a divine commission. Since Joseph, and others (some of whom eventually fell away from the faith) never denied their testimonies, it seemed only rational to me that the story was true. It always astounds me that other Christians, who obviously believe in the validity of heavenly messengers, since such accounts abound in Christian scripture, are not willing to make an allowance for something like this continuing into the modern day.

Joseph's experiences, his life, teachings, and the experiences of those who assisted him in bringing forth the Restoration is so remarkable to me. It is difficult for anyone who knows much of Joseph Smith's bold declaration to understand the impact of such an thing. I am always tickled by the events of his contemporaries and how each man or women crossed Joseph's path at important moments, with important resources to further the work......AND just how young most of them were. For me, Joseph Smith’s restoration of the gospel is a rational, reasonable thing simply because God seems really good at giving divine guidance and assignments to the least likely individuals throughout history. He usually picks someone imperfect, obscure, humble and unsuspecting to nurture to accomplish great things. He does it this way all the time. He does it with us and He is very, very good at it. Frankly, that is how I would do it too.

For me, it stands to reason that the Creator would have dealings with everyone on the earth...not just those in primitive times. It stands to reason that people would record those dealings and pass on those traditions. It stands to reason that living a life of goodness, caring for others and ourselves, would be the best way to not only show the creator we are grateful to Him, but also to make an attempt to become holy ourselves. It stands to reason that a loving God would provide an organized conduit, through commandment, worship and ordinance, to help prepare men and women to become more heavenly. It is a perfect parenting model. And it stands to reason that He is available when our pathetic attempts to keep the commandments fully will never be adequate. We will never do it all or do it well. We will always fall short, and that is expected. It stands to reason that He is here to cheer us on to be courageous in our attempts to do good and offer comfort in our all our challenges and weaknesses, and that such challenges are designed to help us to turn to him for divine rescue. He is the only one who can provide this.

Although the gospel of Christ is an organized entity/religion, there is nothing 'organized' or orderly about spirituality. It is a cosmic, haphazard, messy, surprising, wondrous, and often challenging endeavor. And although life can be messy, it stands to reason that it is not a biological coincidence, but rather a great adventure and journey for gaining a physical body and experiencing good and bad things This IS just the training we need for our grand attempt to 'become' something divine.

These are things I believe to be true. I am grateful that these things have added great depth and richness to my life and hopefully, they will add the same depth to the lives of my friends and family. I am hopeful that someday I will be able to withstand the presence of my divine parents and come to know and understand all that they have in store for me. I am also grateful for wonderful earthly parents who could not have been better stewards for my development. I have been both blessed and lucky. And as I move forward in life, my most fervent hope is that those who diligently search for truth will find it.